I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
