Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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