she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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