Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
