I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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