Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
