I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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