Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
