I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
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