This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
