If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
