Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
