I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
