You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
