Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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