as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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