When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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