Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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