I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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