seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
