That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
