I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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