I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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