I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
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there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
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The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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