The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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