i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
They have beer where we have blood.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
