Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
