i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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