I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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