My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
