Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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