i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
