i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
