I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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