is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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