um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
