I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
