I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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