the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
