Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
