He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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