So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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