The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
