I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
