The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There's always time for handjobs
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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