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it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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