I wanna bring you to show and tell
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
