3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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