I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
