need another drink. this is the easiest way
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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