So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
