I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
