I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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