Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
