Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
