Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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