Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Holy sore nipples Batman
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
