My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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