i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
